Breathe
By Teresa Parrales
It was always very clear to me, or almost always. I must confess that, like many others, I had a doubt in my head... What happens if I reach a certain age and I regret not having children? But except for those very few moments of doubt, I always knew it.
Unlike many stories I hear, I think that for my generation I was very lucky because my parents never expected a grandchild to come out of me, they rarely asked me when I was going to "cheer up", and although it happened,there were alsofew who dared to condemn me assuring that I would never know true love, but many, many times they have watched me judging eyes and I dare say that when I was younger besides judgment there was disbelief in those looks and even rejection, because the response has been genuine: I don't like children and I don't want to have to share my time, my money and my energy with any other being. Mind you, this is not to say that I hate infants, far from it, I just don't have an affinity towards activities that include children for some strange reason or maybe I am extremely selfish.
My story about not being a mom in three moments:
One.
It was maybe two years after I started my more formal relationship when I felt the need - upon seeing him get excited about how much baby was in front of him - to tell him, or I don't know if the word is to warn him, that with me there would be no diapers or bottles ever. I think he half-believed me back then or didn't care.
After almost five years of relationship, she asked me the big question accompanied by a ring, background music and about ten close friends from those times, and then, instead of shouting a happy and excited yes! I had to ask the witnesses of that moment to wait a second.
- You know I don't want and won't have children, right? Are you sure you want to marry me?
-An awkward and silent moment.
- Yes, yes, I want to be with you and I don't care if it's just the two of us.
- So, yes!
I'll spare you all the anecdotes between the two of us after the party where he, most of the time, and I, a couple of times maybe, brought up the subject. On my side were two key moments; when I hit thirty and when I was dangerously and happily approaching forty, but in the end the answer was no.
Two.
At another point in my life I saw myself as some kind of savior - stupidly - and I very seriously considered adopting, but not adopting in just any context. I happened to see a movie called First, they killed my father and I told myself the wonderful ending of a story where I could change the life of an orphaned war child. Who told me I was some kind of destiny-changing goddess? How arrogant!
Evidently the origin of that mental plan was wrong: I did not want to become a mother in any way, I simply thought I could change the life of a being who would have nothing to thank me for just because I was moved to my soul by that movie. Conclusion: the idea was discarded and I went straight to my superiority complex.
Three.
Precisely between the years of greatest uncertainty about at least freezing my eggs, I had an unsought "no regrets" opportunity. Against all odds and care, fate turned my body into a carrier of life ... I do not deny that I was moved, that I shed several tears of emotion and fear, and that I considered it for a moment, but after the cocktail of emotions, I became very clear again and decided not to continue with that unexpected pregnancy. When you know, even if it is a difficult decision, you do what your mind and heart dictate.
No, we didn't all come here to be mothers and that's okay.
No, you don't have to be if it's not for the right reasons and from my point of view it's up to you to decide what your own reasons are.
No, I never regretted it.
Extra.
What I questioned myself for a long time was where my refusal came from and I think I finally know when I made the decision. I was about nine or ten years old when I asked my grandmother who she loves more, her children or her parents, and she answered me as a good mother that love for parents is immense, eternal, infinite, but that love for children has no comparison and that there is no greater love than that.
For me, there is no love more real than the one I feel for the two who gave me life, I can't compare it with others that I didn't feel and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.
I am forty-four years old. So, without lacking anything I am immensely happy being part of a family of two humans and five dogs and no, I do not consider my canine companions as children because although it may surprise or disappoint some, those of us who decided NOT to be mothers, we are not looking for the title anywhere, believe me!
The opinions expressed are the responsibility of the authors and are absolutely independent of the position and editorial line of Opinion 51.
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