Breathe
By Juana Ramírez
I begin by saying that I will refer in this column to stable relationships, differentiating them from occasional relationships, exclusively because of their characteristic of permanence over time and without any value judgment on the former. Each has its advantages and challenges. Another day perhaps we will talk about the occasional ones.
By "stable" relationships, I only mean what we would call an "official" couple, although I know that there are also very stable "unofficial" relationships. In plain words, a couple relationship of two, straight or homosexual, that transcends in time and in which love is the glue.
Now, to define dysfunction, let's begin by understanding What is a functional couple relationship? If the goal of any interpersonal relationship should revolve around physical, mental and emotional well-being, a loving relationship should include growth, protection and security. Couple relationships are established only to add. If it subtracts in any way, that is definitely not it.
Today, we seem to be in the era of relationship crises. This perception is suggested by an increase in the divorce rate, a decrease in formal marriages and an increase in unconventional relationships. Many possible causes could be related to this trend, including cultural, social and economic factors.
Globally, the divorce rate varies by region, however, it is estimated that on average it occurs at a rate of 4-5 divorces per 1,000 people. In Mexico this rate has increased by 50% in the last 10 years reaching a rate of 1.8 divorces per 1,000 adults in 2022 compared to a rate of 0.2 to 0.7 divorces per 1,000 Guatemalans or Colombians. Is this a sign of happier marriages? It is probably more a reflection of religious, cultural or social barriers that keep people in marital crisis from seeking to legally end their marriages.
But let's take it one step at a time. Now let's define dysfunction. Throughout any romantic relationship it is completely normal, expected and inevitable that changes will occur and that eventually you will face crises associated with multiple factors. In fact, studies in the U.S. suggest that 20-30% of married people are dissatisfied with their current relationship, but stay there due to financial dependence, child welfare, social stigma or fear of being alone. These couples prefer to be together despite being emotionally disconnected.
The warning signs of a dysfunctional relationship can be considered in three groups: couples who are emotionally disconnected but maintain a good sex life, those who have a good emotional connection with many common interests but have not worked in bed for a while and those who should be separated: they do not connect at the table or under the sheets. To the third group I recommend looking for a good lawyer as soon as possible and once separated, get in the hands of a good therapist before starting another possible failure. On the contrary, to the first two groups I would say that they still have hope.
For those couples who are doing well in bed, what are the reasons for emotional disconnection? The factors are multiple: changes in expectations and gender roles, in perceptions of commitment, a mental health crisis, stress, emotional disconnection in women with a history of abuse, work or financial problems... and even simple monotony, so before it is too late, it is essential to work on improving communication and quickly seek a personal and couple therapist. It is very likely that good performance in bed is a great motivation and even the starting point of the solution.
The other group is more common than we imagine: couples with a good emotional connection but who have forgotten when pleasure last embraced them. Multiple studies have shown the impact that poor physical health has on relationships, particularly chronic diseases such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease or hormonal disorders that can directly affect sexual compatibility, desire, eroticism and physical and emotional intimacy.
In men, impotence, lack of effective erection and loss of sexual interest are frequently related to andropause. In women, dyspareunia (vaginal pain during intercourse), vaginismus (vaginal pain due to muscular contraction of the pelvic floor during penetration), loss of libido related to menopause or as a result of hormonal imbalances, are the most frequent causes of refusal of intimacy. The good news is that medicine already has multiple alternatives for men and women, even faster than psychological therapy. These solutions include the use of hormone replacement therapies by one of multiple routes: creams, gels, pellets, injections, sequential orals, as well as progressive vaginal dilators, lubricants, toys and even penile implants. It is urgent to put oneself in the hands of experts: for women, gynecological specialists and for men, andrologists. In both cases they can start with a good internist who will do the necessary studies and refer them.
So if you are experiencing the dissatisfaction of being in a dysfunctional relationship today, ask yourself if it's a matter of "want", in which case it's time to say goodbye or if it's just a matter of "powerlessness" and then it's a matter of addressing the reasons for that powerlessness.
The opinions expressed are the responsibility of the authors and are absolutely independent of the position and editorial line of the company. Opinion 51.
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