Breathe
By Ingrid Coronado
I remember many years ago, when I heard that a mother "was single" I felt so sorry for her and wondered how that poor woman managed to raise her children alone. What I never imagined was that, like millions of women around the world, I would be in that situation. I remember crying many times for fear of being one, and other times out of impotence, rage and anger at what I thought was an injustice. But it is evident that the universe will always bring you what you need for your evolution, and not what you would like.
I have learned over the years that you choose where and with whom you want to invest your time and money, and that if a person does not want to fulfill their responsibilities, if they do not want to devote time, money or attention to their children, there is absolutely nothing you can do to force them, not even legally. And if a parent gets sick or loses his or her life, what can you do?
Honestly, it doesn't hurt me to pay for my children's full expenses, nor to accompany them in their processes, they are responsible, loving and very grateful kids who repay me with their joy all the time.
Was it easy? The answer is a resounding no. Many times I feel so tired that I feel like crying when they come to ask me about their homework at 9 o'clock at night, or when their schools ask me for things, or when their activities and commitments, combined with my work, social, and paperwork responsibilities overwhelm me. But something that has helped me a lot is the following phrase: "it is what it is", and what are you going to do with that?
Many times I ask myself: how am I going to teach my sons that economic and parenting responsibilities are shared between mom and dad when what they have always seen is that I take care of everything by myself? How am I going to make them not feel guilty because they feel it is too much work for me, but on the other hand they know that even though I do it with all my love it is not the right thing to do? How am I going to make them not leave everything to the woman when they get married and/or become parents?
The answer has been given to me by all the therapies, books, conferences and retreats I have taken all this time with the intention of doing my job as a mom as well as possible and learning to balance their things and mine, to teach them to be supportive and fair, to share the chores with their siblings and with me. That being generous is not a gender issue.
My bet is to do what I think is best for them, and it's funny that even though I've always been very careful not to speak ill of their parents, they pick up on everything. So I know that deep in their hearts, they will want to do things differently when they grow up. What will their future be like? I can't know for sure, but I do know well what I am sowing in them, so I have an idea of what we will reap together.
Although I confess that many times I have felt pressured by wanting to compensate for the lack of her father by wanting to become a self-sufficient, self-sufficient super heroine mother who can do anything and who never gets tired or angry or complains or feels anything. In those moments I end up beaten up or sick from carrying so much, so I have had to learn to find balance and equilibrium, which is quite a mastery, but it can almost always be done. I know I can give them the best, but also express myself when I'm tired and be clear when I just don't feel like playing or getting out of the house for a day. The importance of devoting time and money to my likes and needs as well. And even though I love them with all my heart, I try, though not always successfully, to be my priority so I can give them the highest quality of love possible. You can't give what you don't have and if I don't love myself, what I would be giving them more than love, is manipulation so that they love me or need me. Teaching them to be happy and independent, to build their dreams and to take care of themselves is the greatest legacy I wish to leave them in this life.
Because I know that when daddy is away, it is up to mom to do the work alone, but she will also be fortunate enough to be left with all the satisfaction in creating the most beautiful works of art.
The opinions expressed are the responsibility of the authors and are absolutely independent of the position and editorial line of Opinion 51.
More than 150 opinions from 100 columnists await you for less than one book per month.
Comments ()