Breathe
By Ericka Castillo
The Reality Behind the Role of Mother: For a couple of years, I had had numerous internal dialogues that prevented me from enjoying life as I used to: carefree, free and unencumbered.
It was on a Sunday night when I received a call from my mother. During that conversation, she reminded me that she would be with me the following Sunday to celebrate my birthday. At that moment, time seemed to stand still and I couldn't help but reflect on my approaching 39th birthday. A barrage of thoughts began about what I had yet to achieve, have or experience.
It was at that moment that I felt that the call of "La abuelita" (AYAHUASCA) had chosen me, and I decided to take it for the first time.
Before the ceremony, I went through an evaluation to determine if I was fit, which was favorable and required a previous preparation, which included restrictions such as avoiding red meat, abstaining from sexual relations, not consuming alcohol, cheese or fermented foods, etc. It was also essential to have clear intentions, as we would be working with them for more than 8 hours of introspection. My questions were: Do I want to get married, do I want to be a mother, what do I want to do professionally, and why am I a feminine element in this life? These questions were the most relevant in my mind. During the ayahuasca ceremony, I received answers to all of them while crying incessantly.
It is important to mention that master plants are divided into three types: cleansing, purging and master, and ayahuasca fulfills these three premises. It was at that moment that I experienced a radical change in my preferences, triggering a revolution of internal questions that, over time, became my guides and principles for a new version of myself. Motherhood was one of those elements present, something that I desired but at the same time generated great apathy and fear due to the commitment and responsibility involved. At that time, I also ended a relationship that broke my heart in two, which allowed me to connect with a vulnerability and fragility I had never experienced before. I repudiated those feelings, as I grew up in a world where masculinity taught me to seek economic independence and survival, creating in me a male version of myself.
Today, I understand that the female is the one who gets pregnant, the male does not. In relation to male and female energy, vulnerability and fragility are fundamental feminine characteristics to become fertile ground. My detachment from motherhood at that time conspired to make me energetically have no expectation of achieving it. Unexpectedly, the universe bestowed motherhood on me without seeking it, in a way, time and context I never imagined. At the age of 42, while undergoing a major career change, I became a mother and in that instant I experienced an emotional roller coaster. My life changed in essence, in substance and in form.
Everything I once thought I would be did not compare to reality. From that moment on, I became an observer of my surroundings. Wherever I went, I began to see a crude reality called irresponsibility and absence of one of the fathers in the family nuclei, generally men who do not take responsibility for their sexual actions leaving the upbringing to single, married, divorced, with arguments or excuses such as "I don't have" and "I can't" . This leads them to collapse, get angry and break down again and again in a society that - for the most part - normalizes mediocre parenting.
This is how The Dark Side of the Moma project dedicated to explore the deepest corners related to the darkness experienced when becoming parents in a society where, due to gender issues, the mother is expected to be the support without support, the hours and days are destined to not allow mothers to pursue their personal dreams and longings, as they seem to cease to exist when raising their children alone.
It is time to speak clearly and stop romanticizing terminology. Today, in Mexico, there is a female population tired of pretending. It is important to speak honestly about motherhood and not be afraid to express the raw and sacrificial realities it entails, including bodily, physical, emotional, work, existential, dietary and circadian cycle changes, just to mention a few.
"The Dark Side of the Mom" is a group of women creators, realists, architects of the art of Maternar in a culture that calls them "luchonas". "The Dark Side of the Mom" is an appellation of origin.
The opinions expressed are the responsibility of the authors and are absolutely independent of the position and editorial line of Opinion 51.
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