Breathe
By Aideé Zamorano
It is the beginning of the month and I receive an email from Opinion 51 about upcoming special editions, I reply to Soledad Durazo: "I'm going for the 10th please".
In 2003, the WHO declared this date as "World Suicide Prevention Day".
Where were you twenty years ago? I was in college, probably focused on exams, homework, classes and happy. That I do remember putting in MSN and ICQ nicknames: "Happy".
Twenty years ago I was half the number of days I have accumulated as I write this text; in a week I turn forty and the last months of this year have made me name and recognize myself as a survivor.
I am a survivor of workplace and economic violence, harassment and discrimination by the Z Zurich Foundation and Zurich Mexico.
My aspiration to become the head of an international organization almost cost me my life. Let's just say that the world is not ready for a Mexican woman to coordinate a group of white, heteronormative Europeans. The patriarchy blew up in my face (actually it was in my brain chemistry, but it reads more dramatic that way).
It took me twenty-nine months to be able to identify the violence that was demeriting my mental health; I started with burnout, escalated to anxiety, depression and in April of this year.... I don't even dare to write it but I have a medical report from IMSS that corroborates the situation and which I had to sign because I refused hospitalization. Yes, yes, they wanted to admit me to the psychiatric hospital and sometimes I think I was wrong to refuse. There I would have been focused on my recovery, the evil company would have accepted its guilt more quickly and I would not have to go around venting this bad treatment.
Returning to the toxic context, to the place that caused me more than one work-related illness and condemned me to sleep if and only if I take medication, he has not even offered me an apology, let alone a solution or reparation. Although I pointed out my aggressor, an N+2 who abused his line of power to harass and discriminate me constantly. Even though I used the internal whistleblower channels, asked for help from my boss, peers, external allies, the global CEO, the chairman of the board of directors, no one responded.
I'm sure they're going to (or did) make a post today about the importance of mental health, ridiculous. Zurich ethics line is a mountain of smoke. An insurer that doesn't know how to manage mental health risks? Brave team.
In this same space in May I published a column in which I asked: How much time elapses between suicidal ideation and the act? How can we make sure that the work environment is the right one for each person?
I was saved by my family, mainly my husband and my father, the psychiatrist, the psychologist (who is not the one the company gave me, because that person assigned to me lived in Spain, they did not even know that to give adequate psychological therapy one must share the same context) and to walk for hours between Chapultepec and Reforma. Also the exercise routines that my mother forces me to do.
At the beginning of this week my parents surprised me: they are organizing my birthday party, just like when I was 20 years old. No indemnity but here I am still resisting and existing.
How many people won't be blowing out more candles this year? How much stigma is there about suicide? I knew it wasn't "me" in those intrusive thoughts; it was the altering levels in my brain and I called for help immediately, as embarrassing as it might be, as scary as it was to admit.
I am still tremendously tired but I already have emotions after exercising, I laugh, I recognize myself in the mirror, I tell the happy situations of my days, I am thankful for my children's laughter, their stories. I normalize talking about it with all the people around me, some people get scared, others walk away, can you imagine how many lives we will save if we talk about it more? Simple access to information is power.
September 16 is my birthday and in another dimension I should be in Switzerland to celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of the organization that almost killed me. I am very grateful that I will spend that day with my family and friends and not with a group of complicit colleagues, they remind me so much of the Rubiales case. Everyone supporting the leader, in a frankly patriarchal act, even though they know perfectly well that the treatment I received was completely incorrect. Now, when not even the UN is interested in the violence in the workplace, the only recourse left is this: Expose and wait.
Am I a unique case in that place? No, I know at least three other people who experienced situations similar to mine before I left that office. Fortunately they are all alive.
Although years ago the company did not suffer the same fate, top executives committed suicide as a result of the workload at Zurich, and it is unacceptable that an organization dedicated to anticipating risks has learned nothing from these unfortunate deaths. The cases are visible, the news reports back up what I say.
The first step in preventing suicide is to talk about it: if you have had death wishes, suicidal ideation or intrusive thoughts recently, please ask for help. I promise you it is a chemical imbalance in your brain and there is a way out. You can call the Consejo Ciudadano para la Seguridad y Justicia de la CDMX (even if you live in another state) where they will provide you with free psychological care.
Happy Anniversary!
The opinions expressed are the responsibility of the authors and are absolutely independent of the position and editorial line of Opinion 51.
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